seal picnics

Antarctica. Whew, what a place.

When I was a little girl, about eleven or so, my dad and I built a map the size of my childhood bedroom wall. It was huge, and all I'd pictured in my prepubescent interior decorator brain. Strewn across the top in big blue letters was 'Kelsey's World Travels'. I had always known I wanted to travel, to be a nomad in the world, but where do you start something like that? Well, Brad Kroon gave me the best first step. As I was looking over the new addition to my room he handed me 5 red pins.

"Think long and hard honey, where are the top five places in the world you want to see?" I remember the pride in his eyes as he gently lowered the tacks into my palm.

The first pin was easy, Ireland, it had been a dream location of mine since I first learned what St. Patrick's Day was.

The second pin, god do I remember this clearly. I glanced at my dad, worried this dream would be too big. Someone like me could never go there. Dad didn't know yet where I wanted to place this pin, it could've been Timbuktu for all he knew, but he gave me a nod, urging my dreams regardless of what they looked like. My eyes scanned the bottom of the map, trying to find exactly where I wanted to place this goal.

Cape Anne.

At the time I was obsessed with pirates, and more specifically, the women of the sea who'd made history. Anne Bonny was basically a hero of mine. Adventurer extraordinaire who never let a man tell her when or where to go. She got to see the world, and be remembered for it. It was the perfect spot for that little pin.

"Honey, you can go anywhere your heart desires," he promised me in a way I knew he meant it. "but you will never be have the money to go there as a tourist. Not while you're young enough to enjoy it, anyway. The only way you'll go is through work."

"I'll get there." I remember saying it with such conviction, even now I'm so proud of the confidence that little girl had. It was a goal I didn't think I'd hit so early in my life, and yet, I'm proud to say I made it to Antarctica just before my 25th birthday.

When I first stepped foot on that white barren (one might say wasteland) beauty of an Ice Shelf that doubles as a runway, I was shaking head to toe. And not from the cold. I was in shock, the sun was blinding us from above. The fact it was 2100 hrs didn't matter, that baby was going to shine down on us regardless of the time. Being from Alaska, 'Land of the Midnight Sun' I didn't think that would be as shocking as it was. The sun there at noon was the same at midnight - my biggest packing regret was not enough SPF.

I cannot put into words how blown away I was by the landscape. Ross Island is surrounded in miles and miles of ice that lead to a crescent of mountains. It's like a hug from the continent, protecting us with its magnitude. Smoke from Erebus Volcano can be seen most days, clear blue skies greeted us for the first few weeks and it was precious.

I knew immediately that eleven year old Kelsey made the right choice for pin #2. This place was going to stick with me for the rest of my life.

After a quick orientation, a dinner of boiled (frozen) zucchini, plain chicken breast smothered in Franks RedHot Sauce, and a green salad - I'd heard to take advantage of those while we can - I was off on my first hike of the season. A group of us newbies went up Observation (Ob) Hill, the nearby "mountain" to see the view of our new home.

I was in love.

As the season progressed, I met so many wonderful new people. I worked night shift for two thirds of the season. I started to get tired. The fresh vegetables and fruit came less and less often. I missed my family, the time difference and lack of access to internet made it virtually impossible for me to keep in touch besides two calls, one to my best friend and one to my mom once a month.

On the second call to my mom I was going on and on about the drama on the ice. Let me tell you, there's barely any news, no social media, very basic contacts with the outside world. It's truly like going 30 years in the past. So what, might you ask, keeps us entertained? Gossip. That boiling, wonderful, cuppa tea. Living in such a tiny community and in such a remote place, it's bound to happen. It can be fun, but it can also be overwhelming. You feel like you're under a microscope all the time, just like you're doing to others.

So, when on the phone with my mom, all I wanted to tell her was who had broken up with who. What new rule the Foundation was putting us through next. All the good stuff.

After half an hour of this my mom sighed. I held my breath, realizing this call must be so boring for the other side. She doesn't know these people. She watches the news every night. Why on earth would she want to hear about this part of my life?

"Kels, why don't you tell me about the science you're seeing done down there?" Her voice was kind, searching for reasons to stay on the phone. "What animals have you seen? Tell me more about your experience outside the people."

I froze. What animals had I seen besides the occasional skua or that one time I saw a seal on my run? What science was taking place around me? I can remember the embarrassment I felt in that moment, it's making me squirm even now. I was so entranced by the drama, the silly little day to day things, I'd completely forgotten why I'd worked so hard to be down there in the first place.

I sacrificed months of my life to be there. So much money and effort put into preparing for the trip. My entire work career had led me to this moment in time. I felt a heaviness in my chest. I realised I'd wasted so much time.

That call was the change for me.

The next day I invented what I like to call "Seal Picnics". I packed my small backpack with only the essentials. My journal, camera, 4 packs of hand warmers, and 2 hard seltzers picked carefully from my weekly rations. I made the small hike to hut point, a small rocky look out where Robert Scott's hut still stands from when his expedition built it in 1911. It's also a common rest point for molting penguins, it's my favorite fun fact about that little place.

I sat on that point and to my excitement was met by two seals. A mom and pup. There was a hole deep in the ice they would swim in and out of. At first I didn't know when or where they would pop up next, but after a few hours of watching them, I learned their behavior. I could predict when their heads would appear through the ice and have my camera ready for action. While waiting for them to show themselves, I allowed myself this time to think. I'd reflect on my week. Set personal goals for my time on the ice - how many miniature paintings did I want to have by the time I left? Who was important to me on the ice that I hadn't given enough of my time to?

This became my form of meditation and I loved it. The world felt big again. What was talked about in the galley didn't matter because at the end of the day, I had the seals. I loved being outside in the fresh air. Away from the man made structures of McMurdo station, I felt free again. I'd found my center.

That call was truly the best lesson I could've had from my time down there. I'd lost sight of the true reason I'd gone to the ice. To see it! I realized the most important thing I can ever do for myself, really what any of us can do, is to get outside and remember how small we are in this huge universe, and breathe. Look at how GOD DAMN beautiful this planet is! Our problems don't matter, not really. Drama is silly, of course we all fall into it at times. Our jobs come and go. People can be fun AND they can be hard to be around. Sometimes we need to get out, see what the world is trying to teach us.

Make time for you. Find your Seal Picnic and visit that place of peace at least once a week. Give yourself the room you need to disconnect for awhile. Reflect on what matters to you, what makes your heart sing the way those seals did for me? Find what sparks joy for you.

Life is too damn short to focus on the little things.

.19 December 2022: This post was my first real update to my family after being gone for 2 months (Sorry mom!)