in the studio

The art studio is a place of solace for me. There are two places in my life I feel I'm able to turn my brain off completely, one is anywhere I've got a paintbrush or fishing twine between my fingers and the other is in nature, camera in hand. My brain has this incredible ability to think itself into a complete shroud of self doubt, leaving nothing behind but the charred remains of my confidence and excitement for life. I can say with absolute certainty that every life choice, every single thing I've ever said or done, has been made after a mental journey through a maze of indecision. I second guess everything I do, hoping and praying it's good enough for the tiny judges inside my brain. 

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This battle with myself has been incredible to witness, my outer self rooting for the knight of bravery in my brain to win against the dragon of self-doubt.  I cheer for the knight to win, every moment of the day, to let me make a choice and move on with my life. This constant war is loud, swords collide and self-doubt screams into every crevice of my brain. The never ending question: "When will I be good enough?" bouncing around without cease, distracting me from the world that's right in front of me. 

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But then, the paintbrush,  a glance at a canvas, the familiar hug of twine around my fingers, and all at once... it's silent. The war is paused. Paint is permanent, I can't take it back - so why wonder if it's good enough? I trust my hands to deliver the image I'm picturing on in my mind. I know what I want to share with the world, what kind of art I want connected to me in the public realm. The creativity can flow, there's no plug in the pipeline, and my brain is free to think solely on what is in front of me. My problems, big or small, don't matter in those moments of pure bliss when I'm alone with my art. 

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I think you can see where I'm getting at, what the lesson is for me here.

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I have lived an incredibly full life. I have made nothing but the choices that have led me here, to the happiest I have ever been. I'm beginning a career path that I never even dreamed I'd be lucky enough to follow as some girl from Alaska. I look back, and of course I have regrets in life, but even the worst of moments I may not be proud of, I still only see as learning opportunities. I'm grateful for every pitfall and moment of disappointment my brain has chosen for me. So why then, do I let that the dragon live on with such power over me? 

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Over the last few years, after hundreds of hours sat in my studio, I've gained back some of the power from this dark shroud of a dragon. Through my own personal form of meditation in creation, I've moved him away from the center of my thoughts. He's still there, of course, but now lives in a place I can visit. I think it's important to doubt yourself from time to time. To see the faults in certain choices, the ability to make informed decisions comes (partially) from the power of these doubts, right? I'm only grateful for his presence, knowing he's there to tell me the bull shit is there before I walk through it. I suppose maybe it's just been a change in perspective in the end, but one that's made a world of difference.

Through the familiar magic of art, I've found my confidence again and boy does it feel good.